Communication, Problem Solving, Fathers, Finance, Parenting

Once again, I have neglected to post for the past three weeks. The week after my last post, the topic for discussion was Communication and Mutual Problem Solving. The following week it was Fathers and Finance. Then, this past week it was Parenting, which I enjoyed even more than usual, probably because I was more awake than the previous two weeks. :p

Week of November 12:

Communication divisions:

• words (14%)
• tone (35%)
• nonverbal (51%)

As shown, tone and nonverbal queues make up 86% of our communication! This is an important point because it emphasizes the fact that we need to be not only mindful of what we say, but how we say it. Sarcasm, for example, is not a good idea because it sends conflicting messages about what is meant (the words are saying one thing but the tone is saying the complete opposite). When people are having trouble communicating, a good solution is to teach them what they are communicating to the other person, not to try to teach them how to communicate. If you can help them recognize what the problem is, then they can work on finding better ways to say what they want to. Basically, you should focus on decoding (interpreting/understanding) messages more than encoding (converting thoughts into words/actions) in order to best resolve a communication problem.

Week of November 19:

More and more women are entering the work force. Why? One reason a woman may choose to work is to help add to her family's income. However, studies have shown that, on average, a second income in a family only contributes about $1500 per year. Also, adding a second source of income may actually detract from the total income of the family (ex: $42,000 + $21,000 (with 2 kids) = $39,000)! This may be due to the couple's increased sense of security, which leads to an increase in spending and a greater loss of money than when there was only one income.

The other topic of this week was fatherhood, and rather than listing everything that makes a father important and what women can do to help fathers be more involved with their children, I'll just post a portions of an essay I wrote on the subject:

Today, the importance of fathers seems to have been forgotten. Too many children have grown up with little or no involvement of their fathers in their lives. The article I read, Fathering in America: What’s a Dad Supposed to Do?, has several insights as to how this problem can be fixed or avoided.

First, fathers should understand and embrace their parenting responsibility. It is not just the woman’s job to care for, soothe, educate, and discipline the children; a man plays a part as well. Just simply recognizing his role as a father can profit a man’s children by merely showing them he is aware of and can own up to his duties.

This connects with another important point: dads need to be there for their kids throughout their childhood, whether they are living with them or not. Children need a father to support and guide them and to respond to their needs. Also, kids generally want to spend more time with their dads, so fathers doing things with their kids shows that they care and support them and helps them grow and mature in a healthy ways.

Having a good relationship with the mother has many benefits as well. Kids grow best when supported by adults that can get along with each other. So, whether the father is married to the mother or not, he should show respect and appreciation for her, especially in front of his kids.

Also, maintaining a good balance of fun and discipline is essential in raising healthy, happy children. Kids need to be raised by a man who knows how to set boundaries for what they can and cannot do and clearly define what is expected of them. But, he also must be willing and able to play and have fun with his kids because doing so strengthens his bond with them

Lastly, and most importantly, a father should provide an adult male role model. Both boys and girls need to know what it means to be a male adult so that they can learn to either become ones themselves or choose good spouses in the future. A father is usually a child’s first exposure to men, so dads should provide as good an example of manhood as possible to better benefit their kids.

Knowing that fathers are important and learning how they can be more involved with their children has really caused me to think about how I can get my future husband more involved with our kids. The first step, I believe, will be to show how much I personally love and need him and his help. Sharing as many responsibilities around the house as possible before having kids should encourage our cooperation and prepare us for our dual roles as parents. If or when I become pregnant, I plan on fully involving my husband in decisions involving the baby. This includes deciding on a name together; picking out clothes, furniture, and toys; and attending parenting classes and doctor check-ups. I don’t think this will be very hard because I don’t like doing things by myself anyway, so hopefully getting my husband to come with me will not be too difficult.

After the baby is born, cooperation will not end for me! I love babies and have a tendency to be selfish, but I know that I will do everything I can to get my husband to help with the baby as much as possible. Whenever he is around, I want him to hold the baby as much as possible. At night, I plan on having him help me take care of the baby, either by taking turns, working together, or assigning him most of the night duties other than feeding. Of course, I will discuss the plan of action with him, but I will make sure we choose one that has him involved as much as possible.

As the baby grows, I want my husband to get to know him/her as much as I will. I plan on keeping him updated on anything that goes on while he is away, I will share my concerns and feelings about things involving our kid, I will make time, if necessary, for him to spend one-on-one time with him/her, and I will do everything necessary to maximize his role as a father. If he seems to doubt the importance of his role, I will encourage and inform him about how he actually is very important and necessary in our children's lives. I am not at all a fan of divorce, so I will do all I can to  keep us together and I will try my hardest to help us get along with each other and set good examples four our children. Lastly, if necessary, I will encourage my husband to both discipline and play with our kids. I have heard that women have a huge impact on men, so I plan to utilize that as best I can in order to raise my family with my husband to the best of our abilities.

Week of November 28

• Purpose of parenting
• Provide limits, even with play
• Teach us
• Children need you!
•  There is just as much to learn from marriage and parenting as up to this point in life (for me as a college student)
• Ballast qualities in kids:
• respect
• patience
• manners
• communication skills
• love
• courage
• cooperation
• responsibility (the ability to respond to situations) (learned through choices and consequences)
• Types of parenting:
• authoritarian (autocratic) - super strict (few choices, lots of consequences)
• permissive - hands-off (many choices, few consequences)
• active (more on this below)

Notes on active parenting:

• parents' responses should be needs based, not behavior based
• figure out what is causing the behavior, fix it, and the behavior will stop
• just punishing the apparent bad behavior usually doesn't work
• ex: A kid was chewing on his shirt and no matter how his mom punished him, he wouldn't stop. Finally, she took him to the doctor, who couldn't find anything wrong with him but told her to feed him a banana every day. She did and the shirt chewing stopped! Why? He was lacking potassium and it turns out laundry detergent has a trace amount of potassium in it!
• A good quote: "You can never get enough of what you don't need, because what you don't need cannot satisfy you."
• 5 basic child needs:
• contact and sense of belonging
• power
• protection
• withdrawal
• challenges
• Contact and belonging
• Mistaken approach (by child to meet need)
• undue attention seeking
• misbehavior
• annoying others
• substance abuse, etc
• Wise parenting (to fix problem)
• offer contact freely
• within appropriate bounds
• as accepted by the child
• teach to contribute
• chores, helping at home
• Scouting, sports teams, etc.
• always encouraging to help family
• Power
• Mistaken approach
• rebellion
• controlling others
• Wise parenting
• encourage responsibility (response-ability)
• choices
• age-appropriate
• situation-appropriate
• and consequences
• Protection
• Mistaken approach
• revenge
• Wise parenting
• assertiveness
• forgiveness
• Challenge
• Mistaken approach
• undue risk taking
• thrill seeking
• drugs
• sexual activity
• rock and roll
• Wise parenting
• skill building
• As much as possible, we want the natural consequences to do the teaching
• Figuring out who owns the problem (who it's affecting) will help get it resolved

For more on active parenting, look up Michael Popkins, especially his videos on the subject!